Bitterness to Brokenness
Published on June 5, 2009
Allow me to share a little bit of my life with you… It all began when I was working at a retirement community. I was really focused on my life and getting to know God better. One of my co-workers introduces me to this guy; I wasn’t particularly impressed with him because he apparently was the hottest thing at the job. All the younger women seemed to be flaunting themselves around him. Later, he shared with me that he was a minister; I thought to myself, “That’s great!”
Months went by and he eventually asked me out. I was very uncertain about going out with him because I had not been in a dating relationship in a long time. Plus I had never tried dating the “Christian way.” So I finally accepted his offer and as faith would have it, we hit it off. It wasn’t long before we became serious and began discussing marriage. Could this be it? Could he be the man chosen by God to love me? Though I was scared I decided to give it my all. We dated for about a year and were married.
Shortly after getting married we began having problems. I had become concerned about his relationships with other women. He was a musician and the worship leader in his father’s church. I noticed he had become distant and didn’t seem to be comfortable around me. I had never been one who was jealous but just knew something was different. I began to pray for revelation. God answered my prayers quickly the following morning when this feeling came over me. I just somehow knew he had broken our marriage vows. I confronted him and he tearfully confessed to having had sex with another woman. I became overwhelmed and angry. Out of my anger, I began throwing all kinds of things.
I contacted the woman he was sleeping with, yelling and screaming obscenities into the phone. I didn’t seem to be able to control myself. I never stopped for a minute to ask God for the healing of His anointing. I just wanted to hate him and her. It was my job to make him pay for lying to me and for disrespecting me. I felt I was justified in not forgiving him (NOT TRUE). I felt like I deserved to hate him and I wore the pain as a badge of honor (NOT TRUE). I was so immersed in my own self-pity that I didn’t realize that the pain had become a covering of shame. Now, I had begun to blame him for everything…my unhappiness, my lack of joy, my failure in life, and lack of zeal for ministry. I thought my ex-husband was to blame for all of this, not the enemy, Satan. I felt as though he had single handily created a world of darkness where I had become the prisoner (NOT TRUE). The entire incident was rooted in darkness and it was Satan who was the culprit, I was his victim and my ex-husband was his tool.
Over time, my ex-husband would often plead with me to forgive him. I would often tell him, and counselors, that I had forgiven him. However, honestly I had never gotten over the pain that the lies and the infidelity had caused. As our children grew so did the vine of bitterness which I had allowed to be planted in my heart.
We would never actually heal that marriage and later divorced, as he continued to be unfaithful time and time again. Each offense would create a new shot from the seed of bitterness. I would go to the Altar for prayer time and time again. My heart was still flooded with the poison of bitterness and it had begun to alter my perception of life and love.
Please don’t misunderstand; he was completely wrong for the behavior he displayed during our marriage. However, when someone lies to you, cheats on you, or just plain disappoints you, right then you must decide to forgive them. Don’t give it a second thought. Forgiving them allows the healing anointing of God to mend your broken heart. That is the only thing that can save you. The precious anointing of the Holy Spirit healed my broken heart and restored joy to my then miserable life.
Ephesians 4:30-32 – “And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
By: Tammie Butler