Over the weekend, I received an email from a gentleman; well I assume it’s a gentleman based on the name but these days you never know who’s hiding behind an email address.
The email started out by saying; thanks for having the courage to go out on the net and express your feelings about dating and marriage. Our community will benefit greatly when we restore healthy marriages as an ideal way of life for husbands and wives as well as to raise children.
He then posed the question: Why are so many African American women unmarried? And answered by saying; whatever a person invests their time, energy, and resources in is what is actually a priority. For a variety of reasons, American Black women prioritize their careers, their educations, their children, their female friends, their church activities, and almost everything else before putting a man and marriage on the must-do list. Being open and available for a man pursuing her for marriage is actually last on Black women’s list. To know what is really important to someone look at their actions not their words).
While I know this to be very true for many women, those of you that know me really well know this is not my truth. As far as career goes, when I graduated college, I worked in TV for several years non-stop then became a coach yet even in the midst of all of that, marriage has always been at the top of my list. While I’m a lifelong learner, my formal education ended when I received my Bachelors Degree. Children; I have none. Female friends; I can count those on one hand and probably have a couple of fingers to spare. Church activities; aside from singing in a choir here and there, I’m not the busy-bee at anyone’s congregation.
Marriage is what I come from and its all I know however, like I’ve said until I’m blue in the face, I can’t marry myself. Men have to want to marry. I know a lot of women who are open and available to be pursued by a man for marriage and who would make excellent wives however, the man is nowhere to be found. In addition, we are no longer living in a culture that values or encourages marriage. Today’s culture screams, screw marriage! Marriage is just a piece of paper! Marriage is unnecessary!
If we’re being honest, most men today aren’t thinking about marriage and neither are women but back to the men. They’re thinking about getting their money right, buying a house, advancing on the job and are perfectly fine with living together, having children and then maybe one day getting around to marriage. When a man wants to marry, he will make finding a wife a priority. Until men take the responsibility of finding a wife very seriously, many women who want to be married will remain single.
His email continued: Other cultures of women (Asian, Caucasian, Latina as well as African Immigrant women) are gaining great educations and careers in the U.S. but still make it a priority to meet, date, marry and have families. Some marry up, some marry down, but marriage is important enough to them that they get it done while American Black women wait, wait, and wait for a mythical “perfect” guy to come along.
I am a Caribbean woman waiting for the perfect guy for me to come along and he hasn’t met me yet; its that simple. While I’ve met great men from all walks of life; plump, skinny, short, tall, black, white, Latino, wealthy, white collar, blue collar, successful entrepreneur, working a job while starting up a business etc., I have not met an available godly man in the six years I’ve lived in Los Angeles.
I’ve met churchgoers and tithe payers but I have yet to meet a man who wants to honor God in his most important relationship. There’s a lot of Jiffy Lube Christianity going on; pull in for an hour and see ya next time. If my faith wasn’t the foundation of my life, I could’ve been married but some things are non-negotiable.
He then went on to say; American Black women are the most likely to have never been married as well as the least likely to get married not because they are not asked but because they do not understand their true market value in the romantic marketplace. And because of this they repeatedly turn down men they can actually attract and marry for a mythical “perfect” man to come along later. Problem is the “perfect” man never shows up later because he doesn’t exist.
I definitely agree with him on this because I know a lot of women who are single for this very reason however, I missed the “Breaking News” report about the bus loads of vexed men who can’t find women to marry. I missed the report that talked about men who are actively seeking and pursuing wives. Not saying they aren’t out there because for every woman who is single there’s another woman somewhere over the rainbow planning her wedding but again, we are not living in a day of marriage.
Here’s the deal, women are single for a variety of reasons and the burden doesn’t always rest on her shoulders. Like I said earlier, we are not living in a culture of marriage and haven’t in a very long time. While we as women need to examine ourselves to make sure we aren’t single by our own making, men have a huge responsibility here that needs to be acknowledged.
So why are you single? Are you waiting for a “perfect” man? Was marriage not a priority? Do you think today’s culture is a part of the reason so many black women are single? Have you met marriage minded men?
Something to think about…
Yvonne Chase is a Dating & Relationship Coach to Singles and Pre-Committed Couples. Visit her website http://www.yvonnechase.com to learn more.