The interview with Mell the Realist crossed my desk months before I wrote this piece.

I immersed myself in all her media and prepared to come face to face with an MC who was more of an MMA fighter than anything else- such was the impression her words had made on me. 

Her rhymes are wrought with struggles, but there is an inner strength that comes across boldly in her videos. There is no denying where it comes from; she makes sure of it. 

I was thrown off balance by the Mell I met through the screen- not the tough, immovable persona I expected, but the sweet and kind soul of Melissa Rojas. 

A warm smile greeted me, and my apprehension dissolved. 

I was reminded of the reason we were here, to talk about how schizophrenia had shaped her walk of faith, and at that moment, I began to wonder how much that expression of grace had cost. 

I was about to find out. 

A Second Mom

I was intrigued by the name The Realist.

My first question was to ask her what made her come up with that name. 

She said that it was because she had chosen to be her most authentic self instead of the picture of perfection many Christian artists feel they have to live up to. 

It was a fascinating first response.

Mell had grown up in the church, feeling the love of God from an early age, and deciding even then to make music for His worship. But when her mom got diagnosed with schizophrenia, everything changed; the family stepped away from the church, and Mell took on a lot more responsibility. 

From then on, her life would be anything but perfect, and then Mell The Realist, as a moniker, made perfect sense. 

Mell went from teen to care-taker in a moment. 

Yes, well, she was battling a lot with depression.

I guess that comes with schizophrenia. 

And, at that time. I was mom number two, mostly. 

Her medications would make her sleep a lot and all that. And so I would have to step up as a teen and do all the motherly stuff, cook, clean. 

You know, just be her right-handright hand man type thing.

After a while, she got better with her medications, and then she decided to stop her meds. And that’s where it all went haywire. 

She stopped her medications about four months in. That’s when she started hearing the hallucinations. And she was, like, uncontrollable. And so we had to take her in to get hospitalized.

The mother in me felt for the young girl in Mell’s memories. I saw through her words the isolation she must have experienced and asked what her family and church’s response was to her mother’s illness.

They were supportive.

But I also felt like I understood her as well. She felt judged a lot by them, and she felt like she couldn’t open up to them. 

She felt like she couldn’t trust them because right away they would want to medicate her or put her in the hospital again. 

She felt trapped.

And when she would go to the stores and stuff, she would be nervous. 

And I’m like, are you okay? 

And she would be like, I’m just ready to go. 

And then I’m looking like, why is she so nervous? But people can tell when you’re kind of off.

So I’m like, oh, they’re kind of staring at her. I understand, you know? 

I understood her well. 

But, mostly our family tried supporting her very much. Until the end, she was pretty uncontrollable, and everybody had their lives. And so, yeah, it was very hard.

Her mother would eventually die in the hospital Mell had taken her, and Mell would start putting her life back together, or so she thought. 

Mell’s Diagnosis

I speculated how much Mell’s caretaking had colored her life. Was she looking for patterns in her own behavior that mirrored her mother’s? Or did life just resume its normal rhythm?

So for me, after she passed away, I am going through a divorce, and then I have my kids. I’m a full time mother, and then I’m doing ministry and other stuff. 

I was like, in a lot of stress. 

So then I started, like, staring off, like, daydreaming almost. 

Or like at work, I would be typing or trying to read the instructions, but I just found myself staring at the screen. 

I don’t even know how long it would be. And then, like, forgetting my supplies and stuff like that.

And it was bad to the point where other employers were noticing and they would report it like: something’s up with her. 

She’s off, she looks off and stuff like that. 

And so, after a while, I’m like, let me check with my doctor and find out if I have that or something else. So they suspected that I had schizophrenia or ADHD because that runs in my family as well.

I could not possibly imagine what that moment was like for her. 

I said no. 

I came home and I started. I really did cry. 

And I actually asked God, like, why? 

Why? I don’t want that. 

And it was because of the way I saw my mother. Her difficulties and how she became. 

And it was scary [when] she was uncontrollable when she stopped her meds.

And, I was like, I don’t want to be like that. 

I almost felt like I was yelling at God, which I caught myself, and I really asked for forgiveness. 

But when I was praying that He led me to the word of Jeremiah 29:11 and He told me, ‘for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, and plans to give you hope and a future.’

 And so I said: okay, I’m going to trust you, Lord, I trust you.

But her life was about to get a bit more complicated. As her forgetfulness started affecting her work performance, interactions with her co-workers changed, and the unknowns of schizophrenia made them act weary of her. 

[There was fear] because they were expecting that I had it [schizophrenia]. 

So I felt like they were kind of withdrawing or like keeping their space from me. 

And then when I would go talk to them they would get nervous; I felt like I couldn’t be myself, basically. 

So I started withdrawing myself. like, I didn’t want to deal with that. 

And then also I stopped looking at them at their eyes because I felt like every time I looked at them, I would scare them more, make them freak out. 

Mell lived with her schizophrenia diagnosis for a year. Enduring the fearful looks from her co-workers and absorbing their apprehension toward her. Until she reached a point when she knew something had to change.

I went to see a therapist when I was starting to get a reaction- almost at every facility I worked in. 

It was the same thing. 

So I’m like, something’s up with me. 

If it’s every facility, something’s wrong, and I want to make sure I know what it is. 

I want to make sure. Is it that if it is okay, if it’s something else, cool, you know.

But I want to know for my peace of mind. 

The uncertainty of such a significant illness was a heavy weight to carry. 

For six months, Mell’s therapist worked with her to get to the bottom of her symptoms, forgoing medication and choosing instead alternative strategies. And when the interventions began to work, Mell got some welcome news. 

I had almost half a year of sessions with the therapist before she gave me my ADHD diagnosis, and a big part of me was really relieved.

The relief she felt at the news could not compare to how living misdiagnosed had changed her- nor could it hold a handle to what she now felt her mission was. To give a voice to those who don’t have one. 

The Monster Within

For Mell, the creative process of working on her projects helped her stay grounded during her tribulation period; writing, in particular, was a huge coping mechanism to deal with everything thrown at her.

And then, listening to just instrumentals and then reading the Word actually, praying a lot, connecting with God and then, like, stepping out. 

Having me time- it really did help me when I did feel down because it was a big battle.

Your mind is so powerful that after a while, you start believing, like, man, I do have this.

You know, until, like, I saw the therapist and then she definitely gave my diagnosis, right, which is ADHD, but at that time, I really believed: I have it, I have this. 

And I asked the Lord, what do I do? What do I do with this, what do you want me to do? 

And so all I can do is speak about my experience and how I felt; how I felt lonely at that time.

I can’t imagine those people that do have it. How they feel lonely all the time, then they probably feel like monsters all the time. They feel like they can’t be themselves all the time. 

She recalls vividly not being heard like her voice became invalid in light of her schizophrenia. Feeling like she needed proof for her own family to believe her in the most trivial matters. 

Now, on the other side of her experience, her heart goes out to those who live with the illness and are trapped in a life seemingly out of their control. It is for them and those struggling with mental health that she writes her music for. 

Words of Encouragement

With a heart that beats for the people struggling everywhere, Mell the Realist had a message:

I have a Bible verse here from Ecclesiastes chapter three, verse 11, where it says
“ He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

So even something that any illness or anything you’re battling with, the Lord in the end will make that beautiful. 

At that time it will be breaking you.

You’re probably going to feel, you know, broken, you’re going feel like it’s almost the end. 

But it’s not, you know. 

It’s just the beginning. 

And I feel like if we think positive with everything and actually put God in the middle, in the center of everything. Easier said than done, right?

 But when we do, do it, you see the work of His hand, and you see how He’s going to make that ugly, hard, drastic thing that we experience- when we’re going through our trials and tribulations-  you will see Him make something beautiful out of it. 

There is Help 

Mell’s tale is harrowing in its complexity. 

From her mother’s very real illness to living under the load of such a prognosis for a year. Not truly knowing the inner workings of her mind but dealing with the repercussions of being labeled mentally ill. 

In search of peace of mind, she was emboldened to find the validity of those early claims since living with the unknown was unbearable. Blessed with a caring professional, she found the truth of her condition, and it set her free. 

We know not all stories have a happy ending, and many of you are still in pain.

If you or someone you know is struggling today with a mental illness, anxiety, or depression, please know that there is help out there. 

The National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) is a non-profit dedicated to raising awareness and providing support for those in need. 

Call 1-800-950-6264 to speak with someone, text “helpline” to 62640, or Text 988 to their crisis line, which is available 24/7.

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